I like to tell my closest friends that I’m a deeply judgmental person. It’s a joke, of course. (Mostly.) But here’s the kicker: I’ve also been told my superpower is making space for people—holding room for them to be exactly where they are without shame or pretense.
So, which is it? Am I a judge, or am I the soft place where people land?
The truth is, it’s both. And it has everything to do with why I love what I do and how I’ve grown through long-term recovery.
In my profession, I’m paid to judge behavior—but not people. I analyze actions, habits, and decisions, not because I’m interested in assigning blame, but because I’m curious. What’s driving this? What’s the belief behind it? What’s the payoff they’re getting from this behavior, even if it’s “bad”? My job isn’t just to point it out; it’s to turn it over like a stone, figure out what’s underneath, and help them build something better.
I think that’s why recovery feels so intertwined with the work I do now. When you’ve lived through addiction, you learn a lot about human frailty—not in an abstract way, but in a deeply personal, gut-wrenching way. You also learn about grace, the kind that’s so big it doesn’t just patch you up but invites you to become someone new entirely.
Recovery taught me how much I love humans. Not the polished, Instagram-ready versions of them, but the messy, falling-short, trying-again humans. I know what it feels like to fall short of doing the “right” thing—not because you didn’t know better, but because some part of you didn’t know how to do differently.
That’s why I can look at someone stuck in a pattern that’s not serving them and feel both love and clarity. I can empathize with the reasons they’re stuck while also knowing that staying there isn’t their final story.
The beauty of my work is that it allows me to hold both truths: the unflinching judgment of behavior and the infinite compassion for the person behind it. Judgment doesn’t mean condemnation. It means discernment. And compassion doesn’t mean excusing. It means understanding.
How to Judge Behavior, Not People
If you want to work with others—whether they’re employees, teammates, or clients—in a way that’s both supportive and transformative, here are some questions to ask the next time someone’s behavior falls short:
- What’s the payoff?
Every action, even the ones that seem self-defeating, serves a purpose. Is it comfort? Avoidance? A sense of control? Identifying the payoff can help you (and them) see what they’re actually chasing. - What belief is behind this?
Is there a story they’re telling themselves about what’s possible or what they deserve? Understanding the belief can help you unlock the “why” behind the action. - What’s missing for them to do differently?
Are they lacking skills, confidence, or clarity? Sometimes people don’t change because they don’t know how or they don’t believe change will work. - What small step could move them forward?
Big shifts are often overwhelming. What’s one manageable action they can take to disrupt the cycle and start building momentum?
By asking these questions, you shift from judging the person to understanding the behavior. You create space for curiosity, growth, and change—all without losing accountability.
Because at the end of the day, it’s not about excusing poor behavior. It’s about helping someone become the version of themselves they most want to be.